Paralyzed by Indecision

I think of Hamlet a lot these days. Hemming and hawing and deciding and considering and then, at the end, paralyzed by indecision. Thankfully, I don't have to worry about committing murder to avenge a death, but the horrible feeling of paralysis that felt is just the same. To be or not to be, to stay or to go, to work here or there, to do this or do that... I never used to be like this. I was never an indecisive person. Up until a few years ago I made firm decisions and stuck with them, and the winding, twisting path this created opened up so many opportunities that I could have never envisioned, but now? I would be embarrassed to even tell you how long it took me to decide on this blogging platform, how long it took me to decide on the first sentence. I searched for 'top blogging platforms', read endless reviews of the pros and the cons of them all, fixated on the cons, looked to the greener grass of another platform, and then chose none, wrote nothing, did nothing. I had no problem with blogging in the past. My 24 year old self wrote whatever the hell he felt like writing about, and would throw it into the void of cyberspace without a second glance, with no expectations at all, with barely any awareness that he was being read by anyone, and would be delighted if even one person took the time to read, comment, and engage. The process seemed natural and unhindered. Now every thing is a blockage, an obstacle, a ever circulating possibility that never materialzes into the world. Infinite potential that remaings just that, potential. Nothing. Why did this happen? "Anxiety is the dizziness of freedom." That's what Soren Kirekegaard once wrote. It's a quote that often bubbled to the top of my conscious mind while I sat paralyzed by indecision. This is the problem, I used to think, we are too spoilt, too free, and while our ancestors just did what they have to do, we have choices, endless, endless choices and the choices overwhelm us and we find ourselves unable to make the simplest of decisions. But then suddenly, in March 2020, this all changed. Overnight, the endless choices were snatached away from our spoiled hands suddenly we had none. We, who were raised on a steady, endless diet of rights and freedoms, were suddenly stripped of all choice. How and when to eat, where to go, how to dress, when to visit friends and family, etc, etc, etc, were all of a sudden no longer our own choices. And here in Trinidad and Tobago we were faced with some of the strictest, most restrictive measures in the entire Caribbean region. Our lives were no longer our own, or so it felt. But can I blame it on the last two years? Can I blame it on the fact that the measures taken by governments across the world during the pandemic were so extreme, so unsettling, and so relentless that we all became like traumatized lab rats, afraid to touch any new doors in fear of an unforeseen electric shocks? Or maybe this is just happens when you get older. You cross 35 and all of a sudden every mental molehile turns into a mountain. You go from taking every risk you possibly can, to taking none. You move from growth, growth, growth, to stagnation. I can't go on like like. I don't want to remain stuck in this muck of indecision. So this right now is my first step at rebellion, and this is why I've decided to write this entry,to post on this blog. It's old school, no frills, the same platform that I used back in 2009, but still, it is something. I hope that this helps, I hope that it starts to pull me out of the sticky mudddy, wasteland of indecision. And If you, whoever you are, stumble across this entry and are feeling the same way, I hope that you are able to break free as well. It's time for us to start making decisions again. It's time to come back alive.